Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
