Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
