what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
