I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
Randomize
