oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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