I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
