So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
