Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
