um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
