Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
