I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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