My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
