I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
