I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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