dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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