i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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