The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Randomize
