She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
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