I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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