I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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