i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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