um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Randomize
