Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I just threw up on my dentist
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Randomize
