I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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