How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
