He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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