I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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