I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
