wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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