everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize