if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Every concussion has its silver lining
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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