dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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