WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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