You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
