I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
