I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
