The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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