You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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