Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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