You are still hot in my book. I wanna dry hump u like a 9th grader then hump for real when the herpes is gone.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
