I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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