woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
