She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
