I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Someone stole a lamp last night.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
