yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
two words: eviction party
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize
