Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
