Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Porn is love you can see.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
