Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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