i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
