No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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