We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
