i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize