My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
My boob is missing a layer of skin
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
