I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
