you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize