We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
