take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
