Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
