so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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