i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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