Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
