My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
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