I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
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