She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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