someone threw a dead crab at me
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
